Bribing With Vegetables

Every good dad is looking for some new method to bribe their child into doing something they don’t want to do. At some point, you might look at that salad your wife is trying to get in you and think, “maybe I could bribe the kids with this.” However, I’ve never found a bowl of steamed broccoli or plate of carrot sticks to be good for anything. When I eat vegetables I feel as though I am missing something. Like the meat of the animal that should be eating the vegetables. Also I hate oatmeal and granola. They may have once fueled our vehicles (i.e. horses) but guess what? That was over a hundred years ago. We now have Fruity Pebbles™ and Captain Crunch Berries™ . Thanks to the industrial revolution, our fruits and berries are now actually delicious. Add some chalky marshmallows and they become “Magically Delicious™ !” You may need to replace the roof of your mouth after eating them, but it is a small price to pay for something so scrumptious. So lets keep giving the whole grains to the horses, and enjoy the fruits of our modern culinary ingenuity.

While I am on the topic of human food versus animal food let me address a concern I have had for a long time. The magical land of the cereal aisle remains one of the great hallmarks of our modern supermarkets, but there is something which threatens this sacred tile walkway. I realize that some of us out there love our pets; there must be dozens of you, I mean us. But as a civilized and advanced culture can we please agree to stop selling dog and cat food alongside the human food. The other day I took a wrong turn down the pet food aisle and found myself in a battle with my gag reflex from that putrid odor. I had to run to the bakery section and stick my head into the glass donut case and take big deep breaths just to get my bearings back. That odor may make a dog salivate, but it causes me to feel like I'm going to lose what I just ate. Normally I can avoid the nasty-stench aisle, but the problem goes deeper. The other day I got stuck behind someone pushing a cart who had the audacity to place a big old odorous bag of Kibbles™ and Barfs in their cart and then drag it around the store, stinking up all the human food sections.

Here’s the deal: animal food stinks. There exists feed stores where animal lovers of all kinds can congregate to breath in the luscious aroma of pet feed. Even if we love our adorable terriers and tabbies and treat them like little quasi human beings, their food and clothing should still be sold with other animal merchandise. Period, end of story. This is not about "profit" or "supply and demand." It is about basic human dignity. Let’s keep our supermarkets safe for humans with sensitive noses, and low tolerances for animal-mania.

I feel so passionate about this issue, I am forming a activist group called PASSAFISM (People Against Selling Stinky Animal Food Inside SuperMarkets). If you would like to join the cause, it is simple. There is no formal structure to my activist organization. Until I get a website up and running, I am asking fellow member to simply take these two steps.

1. When you see someone purchasing animal food at a human supermarket, shake your head and glare at them with a look of disdain.

2. Send lots of money (in cash please) to Eric Barnes, President of PASSAFISM

As I was saying, don’t bribe your kids with vegetables, they are smart and will see right through your web of deception. By definition if what you are offering is worthless, it ceases to be a bribe.

Advice: Kids want candy, save the good stuff for after they are in bed.