Four of the scariest words a parent can hear in succession are “I didn’t make it.” From the day our children are born we want them to make it. I suppose as my children get older I will worry about whether they make it in their educations, careers, marriages and so forth. But right now I just want them to make it to the bathroom.
As a young man I loved scary things. Movies, amusement park rides and practical jokes all had an appeal. Our bodies release endorphins when we get scared and push our bodies into flight or fight mode. As an adolescent, when a scary yarn is being spun, the scariest of sounds are roars in the deep woods, or evil laughs on dark nights. As a parent, there are far more terrifying noises one must encounter in the night than a malevolent clown’s chuckle, or a reptilian mutants hiss. It is waking to the sound of that gagging noise that emanates from a child’s throat just prior to the flood of last night’s dinner. It is a sound of horror that threatens one of the most precious commodities to a parent: A peaceful nights sleep. Speaking from very recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would have been less threatened by an malevolent doll wielding a kitchen knife than with the copious amounts of uncle upchuck at two in the morning.
Next time you go to pick out a scary movie, forget “Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Scream” or “Saw.” Check out these films if you really want to feel the pangs of panic.
Scream IV: The Toddler that Wanted Candy in the Grocery Store
Diarrhea III: The Power Shot Up the Back
Nightmare in Car Seat: I Asked You If You Had to Go the Last Place We Stopped And You Said “NO!”
Halloween VI: The Candy Came Back to Haunt Me
Up-Chucky VI: Laundry at 3:00 AM
Kids That Go Ugh…Bla…Blahhhhh…in the Night
Advise: Get really good at pretending you are still asleep.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Offering Nice Things
Our neighbors gave us these sweet little donut hole type things last night, and so we offered them to the children for breakfast. They were delicious, covered in white frosting, but they were not to my daughter’s liking. This led to the question that I will choose to ponder in this brief blog.
The Question: “What can I have instead?”
“Instead” this word comes up often in our family. It is a word used by those who live in the delusional world where with existing also comes deserving. And if you deserve something in this world, then you also have the right to trade it in for something you actually want. Sometimes as a dad, I feel like am working at a department store, trying to help customers get what they want. The only difference between being a dad and a sales rep is that I am working at the store and paying for the customer's stuff at the same time.
Here is a dialogue from the Dad’s Department store:
A customer with no money enters my Daddy store after school and I offer them some apples and chips. “Can we have milk and cookies instead?” they ask with grins of alternate reality smeared across their faces. I politely respond with a gesture of kindness and let them know that cookies are not in season right now, but the chef can substitute broccoli for the chips.
After leaving the food court, I walked with my penniless customers toward the clothing department to help them pick out some play clothes so they could go outside and play. “Can we play inside instead?” This seems like a reasonable request, unless of course you speak Childese. (For those who are reading this blog who do not speak Childese, the word “play” translates “bounce off” and the word in “inside” literally translates “the walls.”) “Well, I could talk to the my manager about that, but unfortunately she is not available because some customers drove her to the edge of sanity earlier today, and she has not returned yet. I tell you what, why don‘t we swing by the toy department on our way outside and I will give you a ball, a kite, and a Frisbee for free." “Can we have an IPod insead?”
Sometimes I don’t like my job as department store dad. The hours are long, and the customers are always right…there…in my space…needing something. I guess sometimes I long for those elusive words. “Thanks dad, this is perfect!”
But until then, I will continue to work at my parenting skills as I raise my kids these next few years. I will try to use firmness, sprinkled with some sarcasm and hopefully always smelling a little of grace. You know, I wonder how many times I have said to my heavenly father, “can I have this instead?” How many days have I laid my head down in bed, wishing for a different option, a new thingy, or a better something else. I suppose my kids come by it naturally.
When I look at what I have versus what I deserve, I really ought to bow my head more often and say, “Thanks God, this is perfect.”
Advice: Go light on the sarcasm and heavy on the grace.
The Question: “What can I have instead?”
“Instead” this word comes up often in our family. It is a word used by those who live in the delusional world where with existing also comes deserving. And if you deserve something in this world, then you also have the right to trade it in for something you actually want. Sometimes as a dad, I feel like am working at a department store, trying to help customers get what they want. The only difference between being a dad and a sales rep is that I am working at the store and paying for the customer's stuff at the same time.
Here is a dialogue from the Dad’s Department store:
A customer with no money enters my Daddy store after school and I offer them some apples and chips. “Can we have milk and cookies instead?” they ask with grins of alternate reality smeared across their faces. I politely respond with a gesture of kindness and let them know that cookies are not in season right now, but the chef can substitute broccoli for the chips.
After leaving the food court, I walked with my penniless customers toward the clothing department to help them pick out some play clothes so they could go outside and play. “Can we play inside instead?” This seems like a reasonable request, unless of course you speak Childese. (For those who are reading this blog who do not speak Childese, the word “play” translates “bounce off” and the word in “inside” literally translates “the walls.”) “Well, I could talk to the my manager about that, but unfortunately she is not available because some customers drove her to the edge of sanity earlier today, and she has not returned yet. I tell you what, why don‘t we swing by the toy department on our way outside and I will give you a ball, a kite, and a Frisbee for free." “Can we have an IPod insead?”
Sometimes I don’t like my job as department store dad. The hours are long, and the customers are always right…there…in my space…needing something. I guess sometimes I long for those elusive words. “Thanks dad, this is perfect!”
But until then, I will continue to work at my parenting skills as I raise my kids these next few years. I will try to use firmness, sprinkled with some sarcasm and hopefully always smelling a little of grace. You know, I wonder how many times I have said to my heavenly father, “can I have this instead?” How many days have I laid my head down in bed, wishing for a different option, a new thingy, or a better something else. I suppose my kids come by it naturally.
When I look at what I have versus what I deserve, I really ought to bow my head more often and say, “Thanks God, this is perfect.”
Advice: Go light on the sarcasm and heavy on the grace.
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