Four of the scariest words a parent can hear in succession are “I didn’t make it.” From the day our children are born we want them to make it. I suppose as my children get older I will worry about whether they make it in their educations, careers, marriages and so forth. But right now I just want them to make it to the bathroom.
As a young man I loved scary things. Movies, amusement park rides and practical jokes all had an appeal. Our bodies release endorphins when we get scared and push our bodies into flight or fight mode. As an adolescent, when a scary yarn is being spun, the scariest of sounds are roars in the deep woods, or evil laughs on dark nights. As a parent, there are far more terrifying noises one must encounter in the night than a malevolent clown’s chuckle, or a reptilian mutants hiss. It is waking to the sound of that gagging noise that emanates from a child’s throat just prior to the flood of last night’s dinner. It is a sound of horror that threatens one of the most precious commodities to a parent: A peaceful nights sleep. Speaking from very recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would have been less threatened by an malevolent doll wielding a kitchen knife than with the copious amounts of uncle upchuck at two in the morning.
Next time you go to pick out a scary movie, forget “Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Scream” or “Saw.” Check out these films if you really want to feel the pangs of panic.
Scream IV: The Toddler that Wanted Candy in the Grocery Store
Diarrhea III: The Power Shot Up the Back
Nightmare in Car Seat: I Asked You If You Had to Go the Last Place We Stopped And You Said “NO!”
Halloween VI: The Candy Came Back to Haunt Me
Up-Chucky VI: Laundry at 3:00 AM
Kids That Go Ugh…Bla…Blahhhhh…in the Night
Advise: Get really good at pretending you are still asleep.
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