Merry Christmas

The Barnes Family 2012

Receiving Lines

It turns out that blogging requires a skill I seem to lack in spades. An attention span. So, after a long hiatus away from my daddy blog, I bring you my final piece. As Christmas fast approaches and lines form at the shops and stoplights of our bustling and light-speckled streets, I want to pass on a few lines I have written about receiving.

I love Christmas time. Nothing brings the season’s joy as a father like hearing your children drop their subtle hints about what they hope Santa fills their stockings with. For example, “Dad, what I want for Christmas is the 2000XT Long Range Super T-Striker Dart Gun with expansion pack and laser scope. It’s $22.95 and if you want you can go to the store and buy it right now.”
As a parent I know the joy of seeing your child’s face light up with excitement as they unwrap the gift they wanted. I also know the utter frustration when it backfires as they turn the 2000XT Long Range Super T-Striker Dart Gun with expansion pack and laser scope you bought them on their sibling.
This year I have been lecturing my own children on how to receive. Here are the four steps to successful gift receiving I want for my own family. I hope they can encourage you to have a Merry Christmas.

step 1 - Find Your Name On the Naughty ListI’m not sure where Santa gets his “naughty and nice” list, but I am assuming a saint would have read Romans 3:10. The first aspect to receiving a gift is to recognize that it is a gift. The past two months I have been working for a retail store. Every two weeks they give me a paycheck. If they wrap my pay stub in a red bow and say the word “surprise” when they hand it to me, it does not make it a gift. How easily our children forget Romans 3:10 if we don’t remind them. Here is their thought process: “I’m a child + It is Christmas = I should get what I want.” Let’s push the metaphor a bit: “I’m a Christian + God loves me = I should get what I want. This past year has been filled with challenges for our family. We have lived in three countries, had three different jobs and the kids have attended three different schools. We definitely didn’t get everything we wanted. Each one of us in the Barnes clan struggled at different points of the journey with not having what we wanted. At the same time, He gave us so many gifts that we didn’t deserve. He opened our eyes to see things that we had never seen before.
If our expectation is that we deserve what we are about to receive, then we will find little lasting joy in the things received.

step 2 - Put Down What Your are Holding
If we are to receive a gift we must first release our grip on that which we are holding. I will jump strait to the metaphor as to shorten my already lengthy blog. This past year God gave us some amazing challenges. We had to let go of a lot of things. The material things were the easiest things to let go of. Some of the harder things to let go of were things like expectations of people and ourselves. Idols inside and out that needed to be destroyed. Often when God offers us gifts we have to let go of something to receive them. How easy it is to grip tightly to past memories or future hopes and risk missing out on the gift of the now. This Christmas will not be perfect, we won’t get everything we want. Next year will be full of challenges, and the past years were probably not as idyllic as we remember. But God has something for us today, and if we find ourselves holding on to something else we will fail to receive the wonderful things He has for us.
For us this past year I cannot begin to list the gifts God has given our family. The new and deep friendships with people all over this world. From Hungary to Great Britain to the Philippines to Myanmar to Korea. We have seen and done wonderful and amazing things. Yes we let go of many things this past year, but God has filled our arms with gifts of friendships and experiences that are priceless.

step 3 - Remember That the Gift Is From Somebody
Maybe the worst part of a gift from Santa is that he didn’t even stick around to watch you open it. Gifts are not meant to exist in themselves. They signify a relationship. The most important part of a gift is not “what it is” but “whom its from.”

step 4 - Never Forget the Definition of the Word Gift
One of the greatest frustrations I have experienced in my life is walking through a department store and hearing the words “we have to get them a gift.”
I am trying to encourage our family not to “expect” gifts from people this season.
I am also trying to encourage our gift giving to stem from our desire to give.
Gifts are about choices not about requirements. Here are a few choices you may find helpful this holiday season.
Choice #1 - Buy a “gift” card. Then on the tag write “In exchange for your gift, which I am guessing you spent $20 on, I am giving you this $15 payment card to a coffee stand so that you will know that I am only worth $5 dollars more than you in our friendship. Merry Christmas!”
Choice #2 - Spend time thinking about how much you love your friend and write them a note telling them that you love them and appreciate their friendship.
Choice #3 - Buy everyone who is a huge baseball fan Mariner season tickets. (Just in case Bill Gates has been reading my Blog).
Gifts are not something we have to do. They are a choice we make. As someone who has now worked as a seasonal worker in a retail store, I must admit that I question whether we are making good choices at Christmas time with our gifts.

Now some Scripture and a final Christmas preachy thought.

“The true light that gives light to everyone　was coming into the world.　He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.　 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.　Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed　in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—”

John 1:9-12

I will close my thoughts with one of my favorite but not often read Christmas story versions that comes from the Gospel of John. It is my verse for this Christmas for my family. It stands as a reminder that Christmas is about a people who were on the naughty list, whose hands constantly held tight to religious pride and selfish idolatry. They were given a great gift and those who received, not only received forgiveness but the right and privilege to a relationship with God. This gift of light, truth, peace, hope and love came at a great price. But God hid the price from us, and wrapped the gift in swaddling cloths. He gives us freely so much that we cannot fathom. My prayer for our family and yours is that we would be able to receive freely that which Christ Jesus purchased for us.

Merry Christmas to all our beloved friends around the World,

In Christ Our Savior,

The Barnes Family

Putting the Kids to Bed

I believe that every child comes equipped with an innate desire to stay up late. I’m not sure when in my life going to bed became a desirable thing but I cannot convince my children of its merits. At eight p.m. the bed becomes the greatest adversary a young child has faced in his or her short life. Like getting a cat into a tub of water, they instinctively claw and grasp with all their might to avoid it. Children also come equipped with a highly developed defense system against going to bed. It is a six level defense system designed to create absolute chaos between a child‘s bed and their exhausted parent.

Level 1: Bargaining - This level includes “un-keep-able” promises and the word please repeated over and over again.

Level 2: Arguing - This level signals a transition from asking to telling. When a child realizes they are not actually in charge they begin planning a cue-de-at in their mind. Be warned at this point. A small crack can cause the whole dike to break.

Level 3: The Fit - This level may include stomping, crying, and copious amounts of self-pity.

Level 4: The Tantrum - This level is a transmutation of the fit and may involve slamming doors, screaming and a heavy dose of guilting.

Level 5: The Freak Out - This level may cause parents to begin questioning whether or not this is actually a human child they are dealing with. Also parents may begin blaming each other for defective gene pools.

Level 6: The Total Meltdown -  At this point all forms of reasonable thinking or rational behavior have been abandoned for a storm of utter emotional chaos. The best thing to do is keep your distance and pray that insanity is not contagious. The good news is that your child is almost in bed. The bad news is that you contemplating checking yourself into a loony bin for some peace and quiet.

The reality is that parents are constantly trying to get their children to do things that will help them in the long term, but most kids brains aren’t really built for long term thinking. We want them to have a great tomorrow and we know that a good night’s rest will get them there.

God has placed curfews (laws) on the human race. His law demands that we go to bed when we don’t want to. Sometimes we bargain with God. It sometimes leads to arguing. God cries out to us, “Trust Me! You will feel better in the morning if you just rest.” We move to level 3. God promises that he will give us something great tomorrow as we obey Him today. We move to level 6 and then after the total meltdown, our loving Father forgives us and tucks us into bed.

I think one of my greatest problems in life is that I am far more interested in staying awake right now, getting my way and doing what I want, than I am with the things that will be good for me in Glory.  I’m so thankful I have a patient Father.

Advice: Try not to let it get to Level 3.

Bribing With Vegetables

Every good dad is looking for some new method to bribe their child into doing something they don’t want to do. At some point, you might look at that salad your wife is trying to get in you and think, “maybe I could bribe the kids with this.” However, I’ve never found a bowl of steamed broccoli or plate of carrot sticks to be good for anything. When I eat vegetables I feel as though I am missing something. Like the meat of the animal that should be eating the vegetables. Also I hate oatmeal and granola. They may have once fueled our vehicles (i.e. horses) but guess what? That was over a hundred years ago. We now have Fruity Pebbles™ and Captain Crunch Berries™ . Thanks to the industrial revolution, our fruits and berries are now actually delicious. Add some chalky marshmallows and they become “Magically Delicious™ !” You may need to replace the roof of your mouth after eating them, but it is a small price to pay for something so scrumptious. So lets keep giving the whole grains to the horses, and enjoy the fruits of our modern culinary ingenuity.

While I am on the topic of human food versus animal food let me address a concern I have had for a long time. The magical land of the cereal aisle remains one of the great hallmarks of our modern supermarkets, but there is something which threatens this sacred tile walkway. I realize that some of us out there love our pets; there must be dozens of you, I mean us. But as a civilized and advanced culture can we please agree to stop selling dog and cat food alongside the human food. The other day I took a wrong turn down the pet food aisle and found myself in a battle with my gag reflex from that putrid odor. I had to run to the bakery section and stick my head into the glass donut case and take big deep breaths just to get my bearings back. That odor may make a dog salivate, but it causes me to feel like I'm going to lose what I just ate. Normally I can avoid the nasty-stench aisle, but the problem goes deeper. The other day I got stuck behind someone pushing a cart who had the audacity to place a big old odorous bag of Kibbles™ and Barfs in their cart and then drag it around the store, stinking up all the human food sections.

Here’s the deal: animal food stinks. There exists feed stores where animal lovers of all kinds can congregate to breath in the luscious aroma of pet feed. Even if we love our adorable terriers and tabbies and treat them like little quasi human beings, their food and clothing should still be sold with other animal merchandise. Period, end of story. This is not about "profit" or "supply and demand." It is about basic human dignity. Let’s keep our supermarkets safe for humans with sensitive noses, and low tolerances for animal-mania.

I feel so passionate about this issue, I am forming a activist group called PASSAFISM (People Against Selling Stinky Animal Food Inside SuperMarkets). If you would like to join the cause, it is simple. There is no formal structure to my activist organization. Until I get a website up and running, I am asking fellow member to simply take these two steps.

1. When you see someone purchasing animal food at a human supermarket, shake your head and glare at them with a look of disdain.

2. Send lots of money (in cash please) to Eric Barnes, President of PASSAFISM

As I was saying, don’t bribe your kids with vegetables, they are smart and will see right through your web of deception. By definition if what you are offering is worthless, it ceases to be a bribe.

Advice: Kids want candy, save the good stuff for after they are in bed.

Plugging My Nose, Closing My Eyes and Wishing It Would All Just Go Away

Four of the scariest words a parent can hear in succession are “I didn’t make it.” From the day our children are born we want them to make it. I suppose as my children get older I will worry about whether they make it in their educations, careers, marriages and so forth. But right now I just want them to make it to the bathroom.

As a young man I loved scary things. Movies, amusement park rides and practical jokes all had an appeal. Our bodies release endorphins when we get scared and push our bodies into flight or fight mode. As an adolescent, when a scary yarn is being spun, the scariest of sounds are roars in the deep woods, or evil laughs on dark nights. As a parent, there are far more terrifying noises one must encounter in the night than a malevolent clown’s chuckle, or a reptilian mutants hiss. It is waking to the sound of that gagging noise that emanates from a child’s throat just prior to the flood of last night’s dinner. It is a sound of horror that threatens one of the most precious commodities to a parent: A peaceful nights sleep. Speaking from very recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would have been less threatened by an malevolent doll wielding a kitchen knife than with the copious amounts of uncle upchuck at two in the morning.
Next time you go to pick out a scary movie, forget “Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Scream” or “Saw.” Check out these films if you really want to feel the pangs of panic.

Scream IV: The Toddler that Wanted Candy in the Grocery Store
Diarrhea III: The Power Shot Up the Back
Nightmare in Car Seat: I Asked You If You Had to Go the Last Place We Stopped And You Said “NO!”
Halloween VI: The Candy Came Back to Haunt Me
Up-Chucky VI: Laundry at 3:00 AM
Kids That Go Ugh…Bla…Blahhhhh…in the Night

Advise: Get really good at pretending you are still asleep.

Offering Nice Things

Our neighbors gave us these sweet little donut hole type things last night, and so we offered them to the children for breakfast. They were delicious, covered in white frosting, but they were not to my daughter’s liking. This led to the question that I will choose to ponder in this brief blog.

The Question: “What can I have instead?”

“Instead” this word comes up often in our family. It is a word used by those who live in the delusional world where with existing also comes deserving. And if you deserve something in this world, then you also have the right to trade it in for something you actually want. Sometimes as a dad, I feel like am working at a department store, trying to help customers get what they want. The only difference between being a dad and a sales rep is that I am working at the store and paying for the customer's stuff at the same time.
Here is a dialogue from the Dad’s Department store:

A customer with no money enters my Daddy store after school and I offer them some apples and chips. “Can we have milk and cookies instead?” they ask with grins of alternate reality smeared across their faces. I politely respond with a gesture of kindness and let them know that cookies are not in season right now, but the chef can substitute broccoli for the chips.

After leaving the food court, I walked with my penniless customers toward the clothing department to help them pick out some play clothes so they could go outside and play. “Can we play inside instead?” This seems like a reasonable request, unless of course you speak Childese. (For those who are reading this blog who do not speak Childese, the word “play” translates “bounce off” and the word in “inside” literally translates “the walls.”) “Well, I could talk to the my manager about that, but unfortunately she is not available because some customers drove her to the edge of sanity earlier today, and she has not returned yet. I tell you what, why don‘t we swing by the toy department on our way outside and I will give you a ball, a kite, and a Frisbee for free." “Can we have an IPod insead?”

Sometimes I don’t like my job as department store dad. The hours are long, and the customers are always right…there…in my space…needing something. I guess sometimes I long for those elusive words. “Thanks dad, this is perfect!”

But until then, I will continue to work at my parenting skills as I raise my kids these next few years. I will try to use firmness, sprinkled with some sarcasm and hopefully always smelling a little of grace. You know, I wonder how many times I have said to my heavenly father, “can I have this instead?” How many days have I laid my head down in bed, wishing for a different option, a new thingy, or a better something else. I suppose my kids come by it naturally.

When I look at what I have versus what I deserve, I really ought to bow my head more often and say, “Thanks God, this is perfect.”

Advice: Go light on the sarcasm and heavy on the grace.

Encouraging Personal Hygiene

It has been a while since my last blog, and don’t think it is because I have had nothing to write about. Last night I was unable to finish devotions because my two beautiful children have re-entered the stinky phase. In the old days of baby and toddler-hood they were both so adorable, but the smell was unbearable some of the time. Every day it seemed they made a mess in their pants that stunk up the house, then stunk up the garbage can. But after that stage things started slowly smelling better as a parent. But now it is feet and general body odor. So last night before we read the Holy Book, I had to demand shower to rid the air of the unholy aromas wafting about. On my way to the shower, my son said, “Dad, you should write a blog, and call it impersonal hygiene.” So here we go…

A few days ago I went to shave and decided to investigate my children’s tooth brushing habits. From what I can tell from the evidence they left behind is that when I tell them to brush their teeth this is what is going on. They take their toothbrush and put a large dollop of paste on it. It has to be big enough so that when they stick it under the water to wet their toothbrush the surface area can catch the water sending the freshly squeezed part to the bottom of the sink. I kid you not, our bathroom sink has more whiteheads than I did in high school. (I shiver with horror thinking about those wonderful popping days). Then they take the wet, paste-less brush and begin the precise and rigorous task of gnawing. Their brushes look like they rinsed them using the garbage disposal. After a couple minutes of chewing, I am not sure, but I think they rinse their mouth with water and spit it directly onto the mirror.

I am happy my children will shower with only minimal amounts of cajoling and threatening, but I cannot figure out my son's aversion to using a towel to dry off. He has figured out a time saving devise that allows him more playing time before bed. His pajamas double as sleepwear and a towel.
While I encourage general hygiene, I have found out that a good set of nose plugs and some aerosal air-freshener are much easier. I figure if they stay stinky maybe it will help keep other boys and girls who are wearing cologne/perfume in junior high away.

Advice: Crack the windows!

Appealing To Their Long-Term Thinking

When it comes to money, the only long term thinking my kids seem to know how to do is borrow deep into the future. I’m not saying that long-term, un-repayable debt is not a good idea for some people (i.e. Federal Governments), but for young kids I have found that encouraging this behavior can be detrimental. My son came to me the other day and asked, “hey dad, can I have my allowance for the next fifty years, so I can buy the Lego Death Star?” On hearing this request, I realized two things. 1. His allowance might be a bit on the low side and 2. My son has no concept of the power of long term investment planning. The basic problem is that both my children are very alive and well in the present, but the future is a concept that they are fairly unaware of.

When Heidi and I first decided to offer the kids a small weekly allowance, we had in mind it would be a good way to help the kids learn about money and give them some independence. I told the kids that whatever they saved of their allowance, at the end of the quarter they could earn five percent interest on the saved allowance money. Mostly I think they just heard quarter, and then decided to invest a quarter in a rubber ball machine outside the Mexican restaurant (when we still lived in Washington).

As a good father, I realize that my children are much more inclined to use money in the short term to satiate present appetites, rather than think ahead to future needs or possible investment opportunities. Going into a toy store with them is like taking a pack of wolves into a butcher shop. Their instinct takes over, and they are salivating at all the goods wrapped in colorful packaging with pictures of happy children everywhere. I think if tobacco companies have to put disgusting pictures of blackened lungs on their boxes of cigarettes, toy companies should be required to put pictures of spoiled children throwing fits on the back of their products as well.

Surgeon General Warning: This toy will give user an initial surge of enjoyment, but can result in greater desires for more toys, bigger toys and general ungratefulness. Parents may lose the desire to have more children when around users of this toy.

All this short term financial thinking has caused me to rethink my long term financial planning. Because my children are willing to spend other people's money recklessly with no consideration of the future for short term gains for themselves, I have decided to take their college fund and begin a campaign fund. I figure they are both on their way to becoming politicians.

Advice: Invest money in LEGOtm. They are an amazing company.

World Willpower Federation (Entertainment)

Dad-zilla vs. The Son-inator

Being a father of a strong willed ten-year-old boy has given me an idea for a sport that could rival the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). The WWE pro-wrestling matches consist of two hulking men with well oiled muscles trying desperately to look like they are fighting to win a competition where they both get what they want in the end. The World Willpower Entertainment would feature far fiercer competitions between some of the strongest intellectual wills actually duking it out.
Imagine this scene in Las Vegas, at Caesar’s Palace as the World Willpower Entertainment presents the greatest match of the century.

(The announcer booms forth in a deep and ominous voice)

“In this corner, weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds, (even though his license says 195 and that’s what he tells everyone else), “Dad-zilla!“ He gave a monster performance in last the 2011 Brush Your Teeth WITH Toothpaste Smack Down. But last week showed his weakening will when he narrowly won in the tenth round of the Say Sorry to Your Sister Mega-fight.
“In the other corner, weighing in at eighty pounds, is the Son-inator.” He is challenging Dad-zilla to his fifteenth thousandth round here at the arena of wills, and he is pumped up tonight. He recently challenged Dad-zilla in the I Don’t Want to Go To Bed Battle to the Death, and won the grand prize of 30 minutes of staying up time.”

(The scene transitions to a crowded arena full of screaming fans)

(The announcer continues)…“tonight, join us in the center ring, for the battle of the century. Dad-zilla will face of with The Son-inator” to determine who will be crowned the willpower king of the century.
Strobe-lights are flashing, creating a multi-colored display of visual mayhem as the camera jets across the screaming fans moving in toward the center ring. The camera narrows in on center ring, where there is a table with a sheet of paper containing math problems. In each corner the fighters are limbering up, preparing for the face of. The “Son-inator” wears a smirk on his face knowing he has youth on his side. His plan will be to strike hard and fast. His mind is filing through several of his signature moves as he plans for the first round. Maybe he will start with the logic arguments of “why is math important?” or “why does the government require kids to go to school.” Eventually, if he can’t pin his opponent on logic, he may have to pull out the half-meltdown. (This is an emotional strangle hold that attacks the opponents inner peace). The Son-inator is also aware of his weaknesses. He realizes that his Legos, PSP and TV privileges are all vulnerable to attack, so he must work with both speed and agility.

His opponent Daddy Barnes, stands opposite in the ring. He stands with a stone face, solemn, knowing he is not as young as he used to be, and his willpower is starting to go. His mind is clear, enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet before he has to move into center ring again. His strategy will be to outlast and out wit the younger, more speedy opponent. He must decide where to focus his attack. He could go for the full frontal assault and threaten to take away Legos, but he knows that move is easily countered with a half-meltdown or even the dreaded full-meltdown, and he wants to avoid that at all cost. He could move in with positive force, the old, cheering up routine. “Hey math isn’t so bad, if you work hard you could be done in an hour,” but he knows that move hasn’t worked with homework since the nineteen eighties.

(The bell rings and both fighters move toward center ring, lets join the fight.)

Son-inator:  “I hate math, why did anyone ever invent it?”
Announcer:  “The Son-inator moves in quickly, with speed and intensity.
Dad-zilla:  “It wasn’t invented, math is essentially about understanding the rational concept of being or existence.”
Announcer:  “A brilliant counter by Dad-zilla, as he quickly establishes intellectual superiority.”
Son-inator:  “Well math is stupid, and I’m not doing it.”
Announcer:  “OOOOhhhhh, he strikes with a punch right at Dad-zilla‘s weakness, ‘the demand for follow-through.’”
Dad-zilla:  “Please, will you do your math?”
Announcer:  “Ouch, Dad-zilla can’t muster much of a defense, that could cost him early in this fight. And the Son-inator is climbing up on the ropes, and getting ready for a willpower driver.”
Son-inator:  “You can’t make me!”

(Commercial Break)

Advice: If you have a strong willed child, remember to choose your battles* carefully and then make sure you win them.

*The Bible reminds us that obedience is not an option for us or our children. Sometimes in the heat of the “battles” a parent can forget how gracious and forgiving God has been with His children. Let us keep that in mind as we raise our strong-willed children. Another important truth to remember is that the Bible warns parents against frustrating their children. Sometimes it is easy to allow a child’s naturally active and curious spirit to keep them in a state of perpetual disobedience not because they are doing anything wrong, because they are annoying the parent who are tired and worn out. It is here that patience and the grace of God is required.

Ignoring is Bliss

If I were a superhero (I say it as if it isn’t the case) I would call myself Zone-man, because I have a superhuman ability to get in a zone and disregard all chaos happening around me. This is a particularly useful skill when you live in a small apartment with two talkative and opinionated kids. The secret to my zoning out and ignoring skills is that I am an eternal optimist. That’s right, I am an optimist. I find my personal thought bubbles producing such brilliant ideas like… “maybe if I just sit here and ignore the screaming, the problem might resolve itself.” Bruises heal, hair grows back, carpet stains fade (I think), plastic surgery can fix scars, and maybe it is not as bad as it sounds. When things get too chaotic in the house (and they do sometimes), I have found that ignoring the problem comes natural and works well for Zone-man, but in general it has an adverse effects on the other citizens of Small-Apartment-City. In order to protect the people Zone-man feels called to ignore, he must replace the Z on his chest and the Zzzz’s in his thought-bubble with a big A, and spring into ACTION.

You see, the problem with the optimistic thought of “it will resolve itself” is that it flies in the face of basic familial laws of physics. The Second Law of Child-dynamics states: that two children left to themselves will always move from order to chaos unless energy is put into the equation. My two kids will often go from peaceful play to chaos and fighting all by themselves, without any help from me. But I have yet to see them make it from chaos-land, or the State of Fighting to Peaceful Play Country without me driving them. The other day, my kids were playing a game in their room nicely. It was so refreshing to hear them laughing and having a good time together. Being friends with your siblings is a great thing. Then, while they were happy, I went in and split them up. They looked at me with a surprised look and asked “why?” I told them, it is only a matter of time before this system of order breaks down, and I’m guessing one of you winning the game could be the spark that lights that fire of disintegration. So, let's end on a good note, as friends who have a memory of enjoying playing together. Ultimately I let them talk me into continuing playing together until they started fighting, which did happen, and I remember thinking, maybe those are happy sounds? They were not, and Zone-man was up and off to save the day. History has taught us this, fathers, if you play your fiddle while Rome is burning, historians and wives will not have a favorable opinion of you.

Advice: “Don’t fiddle while Rome is Burning.”

Threatening to Take Away Their Toys for a Year

Another mistake I have made with my children is what I called the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique. It is when you find yourself so out-of-your-mind frustrated, bat crazy, beside yourself, that without thinking you threaten your child with something so outrageous that even a two-year-old with the IQ of a confused crow has the wits to call your bluff. Here are some examples of the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique…

“Stay in your bed, or the bogie man will get you.”
“Obey your mother, or you will lose TV until your 55^th birthday.”
“Do your math or I won’t pay for college.”
“Pick up your room, or I am packing up all your toys and sending them back to China.”
“You have three seconds to finish your broccoli, or no dinner for a week.”
“Use toothpaste or the next time you are at the dentist I won’t pay for Novocain.”
“Stop whistling or I will build a soundproof room, and make you stay there for the next eight years…oh, and I will build a little hole to feed you through and it will be broccoli every night!”
“Stop kicking the wall, or you’re sleeping outside…with not tent…in your underwear!”

The problem with the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique is that it exposes the basic weakness of all dads to the ruthless ones (AKA children). The weakness we dads all have in common, is a severe shortage of patience. And let me tell you, when your kids find that little chink in the armor they will exploit it from a young age.
I fear my lack of patience has created a monster in my son. Let me explain the situation I have found myself in these past couple of months. I recently realized after years of helping him find things that he couldn‘t find, that he hasn’t actually looked for anything for the past six years. Sample conversation:

“Dad I can’t find my socks.”
“They’re in your room Son, did you look for them?”
“Yeah, I searched all over*, but I can’t find any.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”
“Oh here they are Calvin, they are in your sock drawer.”
“Oh I forgot to look there.”
“Thanks for the help Dad.”
“You’re welcome Son.” “Oh, by the way, could you never ask me to help you find anything again…ever…by that I mean for the rest of your life?”
“Dad, why does your forehead have a heartbeat?”
“Because I have so many lovely thoughts right now, they all want to burst right out of my head.”

While hyperbole has its place in child rearing, (especially when trying to answer impossible questions from your children) it is best to leave it out of the threats.

*S = D² x G(T/100) - The Calvin Equation is the mathematical system developed by Calvin for defining the concept of “Searching All Over”
S represents “searching all over”
D being the “desire to find something“
G being “glancing slightly to the right and sometimes left”
T being “time in milliseconds”

Advice: Ask God for patience, and never forget, your kids are smarter than they look.

"Say You're Sorry!"...

For some reason I find myself often asking my children to “say you're sorry!” I have to make this demand because my children are hardly ever sorry. Somehow it makes me feel better when I hear them say “sorry‘ even when they say it through clenched teeth. Telling your child to say “sorry” helps them be sorry about as much as making them say “E=MC²” makes them a world renowned physicist. It doesn’t work. Believe me on this. I taught both my children Einstein’s law of relativity at a young age, and they still can’t unravel the most simple of physics required to close a door quietly.

The people at Parker Brothers™ must have more sensitive and caring children than mine. How else can you explain a game like Sorry™. If you haven’t played the game, it is quite brilliant. I used to love playing Sorry™ with my kids before an “incident” landed it on black list.* Like a scientist watches rats in a maze, I loved watching my children scurry their little colored pieces around the board, waiting for one of those elusive Sorry™ cards to turn up. When someone flips a Sorry™ card, the real action starts. A player who draws a Sorry™ card gets to bump another player’s piece off the board back to start. I am assuming that the author of the game felt this process would somehow result in feelings of remorse and so named the game Sorry™. After watching my kids play, I came up with my own name for the game. I call it… “I cannot tell you what delight it brings my soul to see my good fortune and your demise all happen in one single moment.” or… “The sight of your countenance falling brings such joy and pleasure to my inward being which finds its greatest satisfaction in being first and thus forcing everyone else around me to be last.” I suppose the people at Parker Brothers™ have a more optimistic view of human nature, or those names wouldn’t fit on the box. Chances are, they all followed the parenting strategy of telling their kids to “say you're sorry.”

You can’t teach "sorry" because "sorry" comes from a realization that one’s self is not the center of the universe. This deeper awareness of others (and from a Christian perspective of God) is something that can’t be forced. What we teach when we force our kids to say “sorry” is an important skill for growing up. Namely, how to say sorry when you don’t really mean it. Maybe a better thing to tell our kids instead of "say you're sorry," is “you're not the center of the universe“ or “other people are as important as you." I guess my point is this, sorry is not something you learn, it is something you are. When your child realizes that other people are just as important as they are, and that they should treat them as more important than themselves, then sorry is not something they will have to say, it is what they will want to say (or at least be convicted to say).  Sometimes as a father I forget that I also need to be apologizing to my kids when I am selfish or inconsiderate.

Advice: Don’t forget to say you’re sorry to your kids when you mess up.

*The Black List, is a list of games that have resulted in more anger, fighting, crying, throwing and general meanness, than creativity or fun. Games that involve speed, competitiveness, or winning tend to end up on the black list.

Wrestling Before Bed...

I love to wrestle with my kids. Throwing them on the couch, tickling them, spinning them, and chasing them around. After about three minutes I get pretty wiped out because having children makes you gain weight and lose some of your youthful vigor. After a good wrestle I used to try and send my kids off to bed, but not before telling them I loved them and getting into this conversation. Here is my side of the conversation…

Okay kids, we are done wrestling, I love you but its time for bed.
Settle down, we are done wrestling and I need you in bed in five minutes
Daddy is serious we need to stop, and calm down.
Okay, calm down now.
Just settle down, we are getting ready for sleepy time.
Listen to daddy, its calm down time.
CALM DOWN!
Stop hitting me, I said we are done wrestling.
It’s not funny anymore, I know it was funny two minutes ago, but let me explain to you a concept called new circumstances.
Here is the new circumstance, daddy is done wrestling and wants you both in bed soon, so hitting on his butt is no longer funny, even if it makes you or your sister laugh.
Let go of your sister, and go brush your teeth, and stop jumping on the couch.
I needed you in bed three hours ago, so you have twelve more seconds to get in p.j.s and be on your bed or daddy is going to have an adult meltdown.
Did you use toothpaste? Go back and brush again or I won’t pay for Novocain the next time you are at the dentist.
Honey, I’ve told you twelve times now that we are done wrestling, if you give me a titty-twister again, I am going to take away TV for a month.
Please get your pajamas on.
No, I don’t know where that book is, read something else. Maybe you should have thought about that an hour ago, instead of continuing to try and give me a wedgie.
No you can’t sleep in your swim suit, go take it off and put on pajamas.
You were supposed to be in bed a half an hour ago, please let go of your brother, and go to bed.
No you can’t listen to anything, have a drink of water, watch Jay Leno, order pizza or get a Kleenex. Just go to bed and keep your door closed.
Fine you can go pee again, but I am going to be standing behind you and I better hear some tinkling or you in big trouble mister.
That’s what I thought.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
No more talking.
Why are you off your bed.
No I did not call you, and if you get off your bed again there will be something to pay and it is not heaven.
Stop kicking the wall.
Stop whistling, or making any noise of any kind.
Please don’t call me again.
No.
No, and if you ask again, you are going to bed an hour early tomorrow.

Advice: Read to your children before bed.