World Willpower Federation (Entertainment)

Dad-zilla vs. The Son-inator

Being a father of a strong willed ten-year-old boy has given me an idea for a sport that could rival the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment). The WWE pro-wrestling matches consist of two hulking men with well oiled muscles trying desperately to look like they are fighting to win a competition where they both get what they want in the end. The World Willpower Entertainment would feature far fiercer competitions between some of the strongest intellectual wills actually duking it out.
Imagine this scene in Las Vegas, at Caesar’s Palace as the World Willpower Entertainment presents the greatest match of the century.

(The announcer booms forth in a deep and ominous voice)

“In this corner, weighing in at two hundred and fifteen pounds, (even though his license says 195 and that’s what he tells everyone else), “Dad-zilla!“ He gave a monster performance in last the 2011 Brush Your Teeth WITH Toothpaste Smack Down. But last week showed his weakening will when he narrowly won in the tenth round of the Say Sorry to Your Sister Mega-fight.
“In the other corner, weighing in at eighty pounds, is the Son-inator.” He is challenging Dad-zilla to his fifteenth thousandth round here at the arena of wills, and he is pumped up tonight. He recently challenged Dad-zilla in the I Don’t Want to Go To Bed Battle to the Death, and won the grand prize of 30 minutes of staying up time.”

(The scene transitions to a crowded arena full of screaming fans)

(The announcer continues)…“tonight, join us in the center ring, for the battle of the century. Dad-zilla will face of with The Son-inator” to determine who will be crowned the willpower king of the century.
Strobe-lights are flashing, creating a multi-colored display of visual mayhem as the camera jets across the screaming fans moving in toward the center ring. The camera narrows in on center ring, where there is a table with a sheet of paper containing math problems. In each corner the fighters are limbering up, preparing for the face of. The “Son-inator” wears a smirk on his face knowing he has youth on his side. His plan will be to strike hard and fast. His mind is filing through several of his signature moves as he plans for the first round. Maybe he will start with the logic arguments of “why is math important?” or “why does the government require kids to go to school.” Eventually, if he can’t pin his opponent on logic, he may have to pull out the half-meltdown. (This is an emotional strangle hold that attacks the opponents inner peace). The Son-inator is also aware of his weaknesses. He realizes that his Legos, PSP and TV privileges are all vulnerable to attack, so he must work with both speed and agility.

His opponent Daddy Barnes, stands opposite in the ring. He stands with a stone face, solemn, knowing he is not as young as he used to be, and his willpower is starting to go. His mind is clear, enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet before he has to move into center ring again. His strategy will be to outlast and out wit the younger, more speedy opponent. He must decide where to focus his attack. He could go for the full frontal assault and threaten to take away Legos, but he knows that move is easily countered with a half-meltdown or even the dreaded full-meltdown, and he wants to avoid that at all cost. He could move in with positive force, the old, cheering up routine. “Hey math isn’t so bad, if you work hard you could be done in an hour,” but he knows that move hasn’t worked with homework since the nineteen eighties.

(The bell rings and both fighters move toward center ring, lets join the fight.)

Son-inator:  “I hate math, why did anyone ever invent it?”
Announcer:  “The Son-inator moves in quickly, with speed and intensity.
Dad-zilla:  “It wasn’t invented, math is essentially about understanding the rational concept of being or existence.”
Announcer:  “A brilliant counter by Dad-zilla, as he quickly establishes intellectual superiority.”
Son-inator:  “Well math is stupid, and I’m not doing it.”
Announcer:  “OOOOhhhhh, he strikes with a punch right at Dad-zilla‘s weakness, ‘the demand for follow-through.’”
Dad-zilla:  “Please, will you do your math?”
Announcer:  “Ouch, Dad-zilla can’t muster much of a defense, that could cost him early in this fight. And the Son-inator is climbing up on the ropes, and getting ready for a willpower driver.”
Son-inator:  “You can’t make me!”

(Commercial Break)

Advice: If you have a strong willed child, remember to choose your battles* carefully and then make sure you win them.

*The Bible reminds us that obedience is not an option for us or our children. Sometimes in the heat of the “battles” a parent can forget how gracious and forgiving God has been with His children. Let us keep that in mind as we raise our strong-willed children. Another important truth to remember is that the Bible warns parents against frustrating their children. Sometimes it is easy to allow a child’s naturally active and curious spirit to keep them in a state of perpetual disobedience not because they are doing anything wrong, because they are annoying the parent who are tired and worn out. It is here that patience and the grace of God is required.

Ignoring is Bliss

If I were a superhero (I say it as if it isn’t the case) I would call myself Zone-man, because I have a superhuman ability to get in a zone and disregard all chaos happening around me. This is a particularly useful skill when you live in a small apartment with two talkative and opinionated kids. The secret to my zoning out and ignoring skills is that I am an eternal optimist. That’s right, I am an optimist. I find my personal thought bubbles producing such brilliant ideas like… “maybe if I just sit here and ignore the screaming, the problem might resolve itself.” Bruises heal, hair grows back, carpet stains fade (I think), plastic surgery can fix scars, and maybe it is not as bad as it sounds. When things get too chaotic in the house (and they do sometimes), I have found that ignoring the problem comes natural and works well for Zone-man, but in general it has an adverse effects on the other citizens of Small-Apartment-City. In order to protect the people Zone-man feels called to ignore, he must replace the Z on his chest and the Zzzz’s in his thought-bubble with a big A, and spring into ACTION.

You see, the problem with the optimistic thought of “it will resolve itself” is that it flies in the face of basic familial laws of physics. The Second Law of Child-dynamics states: that two children left to themselves will always move from order to chaos unless energy is put into the equation. My two kids will often go from peaceful play to chaos and fighting all by themselves, without any help from me. But I have yet to see them make it from chaos-land, or the State of Fighting to Peaceful Play Country without me driving them. The other day, my kids were playing a game in their room nicely. It was so refreshing to hear them laughing and having a good time together. Being friends with your siblings is a great thing. Then, while they were happy, I went in and split them up. They looked at me with a surprised look and asked “why?” I told them, it is only a matter of time before this system of order breaks down, and I’m guessing one of you winning the game could be the spark that lights that fire of disintegration. So, let's end on a good note, as friends who have a memory of enjoying playing together. Ultimately I let them talk me into continuing playing together until they started fighting, which did happen, and I remember thinking, maybe those are happy sounds? They were not, and Zone-man was up and off to save the day. History has taught us this, fathers, if you play your fiddle while Rome is burning, historians and wives will not have a favorable opinion of you.

Advice: “Don’t fiddle while Rome is Burning.”

Threatening to Take Away Their Toys for a Year

Another mistake I have made with my children is what I called the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique. It is when you find yourself so out-of-your-mind frustrated, bat crazy, beside yourself, that without thinking you threaten your child with something so outrageous that even a two-year-old with the IQ of a confused crow has the wits to call your bluff. Here are some examples of the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique…

“Stay in your bed, or the bogie man will get you.”
“Obey your mother, or you will lose TV until your 55^th birthday.”
“Do your math or I won’t pay for college.”
“Pick up your room, or I am packing up all your toys and sending them back to China.”
“You have three seconds to finish your broccoli, or no dinner for a week.”
“Use toothpaste or the next time you are at the dentist I won’t pay for Novocain.”
“Stop whistling or I will build a soundproof room, and make you stay there for the next eight years…oh, and I will build a little hole to feed you through and it will be broccoli every night!”
“Stop kicking the wall, or you’re sleeping outside…with not tent…in your underwear!”

The problem with the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique is that it exposes the basic weakness of all dads to the ruthless ones (AKA children). The weakness we dads all have in common, is a severe shortage of patience. And let me tell you, when your kids find that little chink in the armor they will exploit it from a young age.
I fear my lack of patience has created a monster in my son. Let me explain the situation I have found myself in these past couple of months. I recently realized after years of helping him find things that he couldn‘t find, that he hasn’t actually looked for anything for the past six years. Sample conversation:

“Dad I can’t find my socks.”
“They’re in your room Son, did you look for them?”
“Yeah, I searched all over*, but I can’t find any.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”
“Oh here they are Calvin, they are in your sock drawer.”
“Oh I forgot to look there.”
“Thanks for the help Dad.”
“You’re welcome Son.” “Oh, by the way, could you never ask me to help you find anything again…ever…by that I mean for the rest of your life?”
“Dad, why does your forehead have a heartbeat?”
“Because I have so many lovely thoughts right now, they all want to burst right out of my head.”

While hyperbole has its place in child rearing, (especially when trying to answer impossible questions from your children) it is best to leave it out of the threats.

*S = D² x G(T/100) - The Calvin Equation is the mathematical system developed by Calvin for defining the concept of “Searching All Over”
S represents “searching all over”
D being the “desire to find something“
G being “glancing slightly to the right and sometimes left”
T being “time in milliseconds”

Advice: Ask God for patience, and never forget, your kids are smarter than they look.

"Say You're Sorry!"...

For some reason I find myself often asking my children to “say you're sorry!” I have to make this demand because my children are hardly ever sorry. Somehow it makes me feel better when I hear them say “sorry‘ even when they say it through clenched teeth. Telling your child to say “sorry” helps them be sorry about as much as making them say “E=MC²” makes them a world renowned physicist. It doesn’t work. Believe me on this. I taught both my children Einstein’s law of relativity at a young age, and they still can’t unravel the most simple of physics required to close a door quietly.

The people at Parker Brothers™ must have more sensitive and caring children than mine. How else can you explain a game like Sorry™. If you haven’t played the game, it is quite brilliant. I used to love playing Sorry™ with my kids before an “incident” landed it on black list.* Like a scientist watches rats in a maze, I loved watching my children scurry their little colored pieces around the board, waiting for one of those elusive Sorry™ cards to turn up. When someone flips a Sorry™ card, the real action starts. A player who draws a Sorry™ card gets to bump another player’s piece off the board back to start. I am assuming that the author of the game felt this process would somehow result in feelings of remorse and so named the game Sorry™. After watching my kids play, I came up with my own name for the game. I call it… “I cannot tell you what delight it brings my soul to see my good fortune and your demise all happen in one single moment.” or… “The sight of your countenance falling brings such joy and pleasure to my inward being which finds its greatest satisfaction in being first and thus forcing everyone else around me to be last.” I suppose the people at Parker Brothers™ have a more optimistic view of human nature, or those names wouldn’t fit on the box. Chances are, they all followed the parenting strategy of telling their kids to “say you're sorry.”

You can’t teach "sorry" because "sorry" comes from a realization that one’s self is not the center of the universe. This deeper awareness of others (and from a Christian perspective of God) is something that can’t be forced. What we teach when we force our kids to say “sorry” is an important skill for growing up. Namely, how to say sorry when you don’t really mean it. Maybe a better thing to tell our kids instead of "say you're sorry," is “you're not the center of the universe“ or “other people are as important as you." I guess my point is this, sorry is not something you learn, it is something you are. When your child realizes that other people are just as important as they are, and that they should treat them as more important than themselves, then sorry is not something they will have to say, it is what they will want to say (or at least be convicted to say).  Sometimes as a father I forget that I also need to be apologizing to my kids when I am selfish or inconsiderate.

Advice: Don’t forget to say you’re sorry to your kids when you mess up.

*The Black List, is a list of games that have resulted in more anger, fighting, crying, throwing and general meanness, than creativity or fun. Games that involve speed, competitiveness, or winning tend to end up on the black list.

Wrestling Before Bed...

I love to wrestle with my kids. Throwing them on the couch, tickling them, spinning them, and chasing them around. After about three minutes I get pretty wiped out because having children makes you gain weight and lose some of your youthful vigor. After a good wrestle I used to try and send my kids off to bed, but not before telling them I loved them and getting into this conversation. Here is my side of the conversation…

Okay kids, we are done wrestling, I love you but its time for bed.
Settle down, we are done wrestling and I need you in bed in five minutes
Daddy is serious we need to stop, and calm down.
Okay, calm down now.
Just settle down, we are getting ready for sleepy time.
Listen to daddy, its calm down time.
CALM DOWN!
Stop hitting me, I said we are done wrestling.
It’s not funny anymore, I know it was funny two minutes ago, but let me explain to you a concept called new circumstances.
Here is the new circumstance, daddy is done wrestling and wants you both in bed soon, so hitting on his butt is no longer funny, even if it makes you or your sister laugh.
Let go of your sister, and go brush your teeth, and stop jumping on the couch.
I needed you in bed three hours ago, so you have twelve more seconds to get in p.j.s and be on your bed or daddy is going to have an adult meltdown.
Did you use toothpaste? Go back and brush again or I won’t pay for Novocain the next time you are at the dentist.
Honey, I’ve told you twelve times now that we are done wrestling, if you give me a titty-twister again, I am going to take away TV for a month.
Please get your pajamas on.
No, I don’t know where that book is, read something else. Maybe you should have thought about that an hour ago, instead of continuing to try and give me a wedgie.
No you can’t sleep in your swim suit, go take it off and put on pajamas.
You were supposed to be in bed a half an hour ago, please let go of your brother, and go to bed.
No you can’t listen to anything, have a drink of water, watch Jay Leno, order pizza or get a Kleenex. Just go to bed and keep your door closed.
Fine you can go pee again, but I am going to be standing behind you and I better hear some tinkling or you in big trouble mister.
That’s what I thought.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
No more talking.
Why are you off your bed.
No I did not call you, and if you get off your bed again there will be something to pay and it is not heaven.
Stop kicking the wall.
Stop whistling, or making any noise of any kind.
Please don’t call me again.
No.
No, and if you ask again, you are going to bed an hour early tomorrow.

Advice: Read to your children before bed.