Threatening to Take Away Their Toys for a Year

Another mistake I have made with my children is what I called the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique. It is when you find yourself so out-of-your-mind frustrated, bat crazy, beside yourself, that without thinking you threaten your child with something so outrageous that even a two-year-old with the IQ of a confused crow has the wits to call your bluff. Here are some examples of the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique…

“Stay in your bed, or the bogie man will get you.”
“Obey your mother, or you will lose TV until your 55^th birthday.”
“Do your math or I won’t pay for college.”
“Pick up your room, or I am packing up all your toys and sending them back to China.”
“You have three seconds to finish your broccoli, or no dinner for a week.”
“Use toothpaste or the next time you are at the dentist I won’t pay for Novocain.”
“Stop whistling or I will build a soundproof room, and make you stay there for the next eight years…oh, and I will build a little hole to feed you through and it will be broccoli every night!”
“Stop kicking the wall, or you’re sleeping outside…with not tent…in your underwear!”

The problem with the “I’m going all in without a poker face” technique is that it exposes the basic weakness of all dads to the ruthless ones (AKA children). The weakness we dads all have in common, is a severe shortage of patience. And let me tell you, when your kids find that little chink in the armor they will exploit it from a young age.
I fear my lack of patience has created a monster in my son. Let me explain the situation I have found myself in these past couple of months. I recently realized after years of helping him find things that he couldn‘t find, that he hasn’t actually looked for anything for the past six years. Sample conversation:

“Dad I can’t find my socks.”
“They’re in your room Son, did you look for them?”
“Yeah, I searched all over*, but I can’t find any.”
“Okay, I’ll be right there.”
“Oh here they are Calvin, they are in your sock drawer.”
“Oh I forgot to look there.”
“Thanks for the help Dad.”
“You’re welcome Son.” “Oh, by the way, could you never ask me to help you find anything again…ever…by that I mean for the rest of your life?”
“Dad, why does your forehead have a heartbeat?”
“Because I have so many lovely thoughts right now, they all want to burst right out of my head.”

While hyperbole has its place in child rearing, (especially when trying to answer impossible questions from your children) it is best to leave it out of the threats.

*S = D² x G(T/100) - The Calvin Equation is the mathematical system developed by Calvin for defining the concept of “Searching All Over”
S represents “searching all over”
D being the “desire to find something“
G being “glancing slightly to the right and sometimes left”
T being “time in milliseconds”

Advice: Ask God for patience, and never forget, your kids are smarter than they look.