Merry Christmas

The Barnes Family 2012

Receiving Lines

It turns out that blogging requires a skill I seem to lack in spades. An attention span. So, after a long hiatus away from my daddy blog, I bring you my final piece. As Christmas fast approaches and lines form at the shops and stoplights of our bustling and light-speckled streets, I want to pass on a few lines I have written about receiving.

I love Christmas time. Nothing brings the season’s joy as a father like hearing your children drop their subtle hints about what they hope Santa fills their stockings with. For example, “Dad, what I want for Christmas is the 2000XT Long Range Super T-Striker Dart Gun with expansion pack and laser scope. It’s $22.95 and if you want you can go to the store and buy it right now.”
As a parent I know the joy of seeing your child’s face light up with excitement as they unwrap the gift they wanted. I also know the utter frustration when it backfires as they turn the 2000XT Long Range Super T-Striker Dart Gun with expansion pack and laser scope you bought them on their sibling.
This year I have been lecturing my own children on how to receive. Here are the four steps to successful gift receiving I want for my own family. I hope they can encourage you to have a Merry Christmas.

step 1 - Find Your Name On the Naughty ListI’m not sure where Santa gets his “naughty and nice” list, but I am assuming a saint would have read Romans 3:10. The first aspect to receiving a gift is to recognize that it is a gift. The past two months I have been working for a retail store. Every two weeks they give me a paycheck. If they wrap my pay stub in a red bow and say the word “surprise” when they hand it to me, it does not make it a gift. How easily our children forget Romans 3:10 if we don’t remind them. Here is their thought process: “I’m a child + It is Christmas = I should get what I want.” Let’s push the metaphor a bit: “I’m a Christian + God loves me = I should get what I want. This past year has been filled with challenges for our family. We have lived in three countries, had three different jobs and the kids have attended three different schools. We definitely didn’t get everything we wanted. Each one of us in the Barnes clan struggled at different points of the journey with not having what we wanted. At the same time, He gave us so many gifts that we didn’t deserve. He opened our eyes to see things that we had never seen before.
If our expectation is that we deserve what we are about to receive, then we will find little lasting joy in the things received.

step 2 - Put Down What Your are Holding
If we are to receive a gift we must first release our grip on that which we are holding. I will jump strait to the metaphor as to shorten my already lengthy blog. This past year God gave us some amazing challenges. We had to let go of a lot of things. The material things were the easiest things to let go of. Some of the harder things to let go of were things like expectations of people and ourselves. Idols inside and out that needed to be destroyed. Often when God offers us gifts we have to let go of something to receive them. How easy it is to grip tightly to past memories or future hopes and risk missing out on the gift of the now. This Christmas will not be perfect, we won’t get everything we want. Next year will be full of challenges, and the past years were probably not as idyllic as we remember. But God has something for us today, and if we find ourselves holding on to something else we will fail to receive the wonderful things He has for us.
For us this past year I cannot begin to list the gifts God has given our family. The new and deep friendships with people all over this world. From Hungary to Great Britain to the Philippines to Myanmar to Korea. We have seen and done wonderful and amazing things. Yes we let go of many things this past year, but God has filled our arms with gifts of friendships and experiences that are priceless.

step 3 - Remember That the Gift Is From Somebody
Maybe the worst part of a gift from Santa is that he didn’t even stick around to watch you open it. Gifts are not meant to exist in themselves. They signify a relationship. The most important part of a gift is not “what it is” but “whom its from.”

step 4 - Never Forget the Definition of the Word Gift
One of the greatest frustrations I have experienced in my life is walking through a department store and hearing the words “we have to get them a gift.”
I am trying to encourage our family not to “expect” gifts from people this season.
I am also trying to encourage our gift giving to stem from our desire to give.
Gifts are about choices not about requirements. Here are a few choices you may find helpful this holiday season.
Choice #1 - Buy a “gift” card. Then on the tag write “In exchange for your gift, which I am guessing you spent $20 on, I am giving you this $15 payment card to a coffee stand so that you will know that I am only worth $5 dollars more than you in our friendship. Merry Christmas!”
Choice #2 - Spend time thinking about how much you love your friend and write them a note telling them that you love them and appreciate their friendship.
Choice #3 - Buy everyone who is a huge baseball fan Mariner season tickets. (Just in case Bill Gates has been reading my Blog).
Gifts are not something we have to do. They are a choice we make. As someone who has now worked as a seasonal worker in a retail store, I must admit that I question whether we are making good choices at Christmas time with our gifts.

Now some Scripture and a final Christmas preachy thought.

“The true light that gives light to everyone　was coming into the world.　He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him.　 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him.　Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed　in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—”

John 1:9-12

I will close my thoughts with one of my favorite but not often read Christmas story versions that comes from the Gospel of John. It is my verse for this Christmas for my family. It stands as a reminder that Christmas is about a people who were on the naughty list, whose hands constantly held tight to religious pride and selfish idolatry. They were given a great gift and those who received, not only received forgiveness but the right and privilege to a relationship with God. This gift of light, truth, peace, hope and love came at a great price. But God hid the price from us, and wrapped the gift in swaddling cloths. He gives us freely so much that we cannot fathom. My prayer for our family and yours is that we would be able to receive freely that which Christ Jesus purchased for us.

Merry Christmas to all our beloved friends around the World,

In Christ Our Savior,

The Barnes Family

Putting the Kids to Bed

I believe that every child comes equipped with an innate desire to stay up late. I’m not sure when in my life going to bed became a desirable thing but I cannot convince my children of its merits. At eight p.m. the bed becomes the greatest adversary a young child has faced in his or her short life. Like getting a cat into a tub of water, they instinctively claw and grasp with all their might to avoid it. Children also come equipped with a highly developed defense system against going to bed. It is a six level defense system designed to create absolute chaos between a child‘s bed and their exhausted parent.

Level 1: Bargaining - This level includes “un-keep-able” promises and the word please repeated over and over again.

Level 2: Arguing - This level signals a transition from asking to telling. When a child realizes they are not actually in charge they begin planning a cue-de-at in their mind. Be warned at this point. A small crack can cause the whole dike to break.

Level 3: The Fit - This level may include stomping, crying, and copious amounts of self-pity.

Level 4: The Tantrum - This level is a transmutation of the fit and may involve slamming doors, screaming and a heavy dose of guilting.

Level 5: The Freak Out - This level may cause parents to begin questioning whether or not this is actually a human child they are dealing with. Also parents may begin blaming each other for defective gene pools.

Level 6: The Total Meltdown -  At this point all forms of reasonable thinking or rational behavior have been abandoned for a storm of utter emotional chaos. The best thing to do is keep your distance and pray that insanity is not contagious. The good news is that your child is almost in bed. The bad news is that you contemplating checking yourself into a loony bin for some peace and quiet.

The reality is that parents are constantly trying to get their children to do things that will help them in the long term, but most kids brains aren’t really built for long term thinking. We want them to have a great tomorrow and we know that a good night’s rest will get them there.

God has placed curfews (laws) on the human race. His law demands that we go to bed when we don’t want to. Sometimes we bargain with God. It sometimes leads to arguing. God cries out to us, “Trust Me! You will feel better in the morning if you just rest.” We move to level 3. God promises that he will give us something great tomorrow as we obey Him today. We move to level 6 and then after the total meltdown, our loving Father forgives us and tucks us into bed.

I think one of my greatest problems in life is that I am far more interested in staying awake right now, getting my way and doing what I want, than I am with the things that will be good for me in Glory.  I’m so thankful I have a patient Father.

Advice: Try not to let it get to Level 3.

Bribing With Vegetables

Every good dad is looking for some new method to bribe their child into doing something they don’t want to do. At some point, you might look at that salad your wife is trying to get in you and think, “maybe I could bribe the kids with this.” However, I’ve never found a bowl of steamed broccoli or plate of carrot sticks to be good for anything. When I eat vegetables I feel as though I am missing something. Like the meat of the animal that should be eating the vegetables. Also I hate oatmeal and granola. They may have once fueled our vehicles (i.e. horses) but guess what? That was over a hundred years ago. We now have Fruity Pebbles™ and Captain Crunch Berries™ . Thanks to the industrial revolution, our fruits and berries are now actually delicious. Add some chalky marshmallows and they become “Magically Delicious™ !” You may need to replace the roof of your mouth after eating them, but it is a small price to pay for something so scrumptious. So lets keep giving the whole grains to the horses, and enjoy the fruits of our modern culinary ingenuity.

While I am on the topic of human food versus animal food let me address a concern I have had for a long time. The magical land of the cereal aisle remains one of the great hallmarks of our modern supermarkets, but there is something which threatens this sacred tile walkway. I realize that some of us out there love our pets; there must be dozens of you, I mean us. But as a civilized and advanced culture can we please agree to stop selling dog and cat food alongside the human food. The other day I took a wrong turn down the pet food aisle and found myself in a battle with my gag reflex from that putrid odor. I had to run to the bakery section and stick my head into the glass donut case and take big deep breaths just to get my bearings back. That odor may make a dog salivate, but it causes me to feel like I'm going to lose what I just ate. Normally I can avoid the nasty-stench aisle, but the problem goes deeper. The other day I got stuck behind someone pushing a cart who had the audacity to place a big old odorous bag of Kibbles™ and Barfs in their cart and then drag it around the store, stinking up all the human food sections.

Here’s the deal: animal food stinks. There exists feed stores where animal lovers of all kinds can congregate to breath in the luscious aroma of pet feed. Even if we love our adorable terriers and tabbies and treat them like little quasi human beings, their food and clothing should still be sold with other animal merchandise. Period, end of story. This is not about "profit" or "supply and demand." It is about basic human dignity. Let’s keep our supermarkets safe for humans with sensitive noses, and low tolerances for animal-mania.

I feel so passionate about this issue, I am forming a activist group called PASSAFISM (People Against Selling Stinky Animal Food Inside SuperMarkets). If you would like to join the cause, it is simple. There is no formal structure to my activist organization. Until I get a website up and running, I am asking fellow member to simply take these two steps.

1. When you see someone purchasing animal food at a human supermarket, shake your head and glare at them with a look of disdain.

2. Send lots of money (in cash please) to Eric Barnes, President of PASSAFISM

As I was saying, don’t bribe your kids with vegetables, they are smart and will see right through your web of deception. By definition if what you are offering is worthless, it ceases to be a bribe.

Advice: Kids want candy, save the good stuff for after they are in bed.

Plugging My Nose, Closing My Eyes and Wishing It Would All Just Go Away

Four of the scariest words a parent can hear in succession are “I didn’t make it.” From the day our children are born we want them to make it. I suppose as my children get older I will worry about whether they make it in their educations, careers, marriages and so forth. But right now I just want them to make it to the bathroom.

As a young man I loved scary things. Movies, amusement park rides and practical jokes all had an appeal. Our bodies release endorphins when we get scared and push our bodies into flight or fight mode. As an adolescent, when a scary yarn is being spun, the scariest of sounds are roars in the deep woods, or evil laughs on dark nights. As a parent, there are far more terrifying noises one must encounter in the night than a malevolent clown’s chuckle, or a reptilian mutants hiss. It is waking to the sound of that gagging noise that emanates from a child’s throat just prior to the flood of last night’s dinner. It is a sound of horror that threatens one of the most precious commodities to a parent: A peaceful nights sleep. Speaking from very recent experience, I’m pretty sure I would have been less threatened by an malevolent doll wielding a kitchen knife than with the copious amounts of uncle upchuck at two in the morning.
Next time you go to pick out a scary movie, forget “Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Scream” or “Saw.” Check out these films if you really want to feel the pangs of panic.

Scream IV: The Toddler that Wanted Candy in the Grocery Store
Diarrhea III: The Power Shot Up the Back
Nightmare in Car Seat: I Asked You If You Had to Go the Last Place We Stopped And You Said “NO!”
Halloween VI: The Candy Came Back to Haunt Me
Up-Chucky VI: Laundry at 3:00 AM
Kids That Go Ugh…Bla…Blahhhhh…in the Night

Advise: Get really good at pretending you are still asleep.

Offering Nice Things

Our neighbors gave us these sweet little donut hole type things last night, and so we offered them to the children for breakfast. They were delicious, covered in white frosting, but they were not to my daughter’s liking. This led to the question that I will choose to ponder in this brief blog.

The Question: “What can I have instead?”

“Instead” this word comes up often in our family. It is a word used by those who live in the delusional world where with existing also comes deserving. And if you deserve something in this world, then you also have the right to trade it in for something you actually want. Sometimes as a dad, I feel like am working at a department store, trying to help customers get what they want. The only difference between being a dad and a sales rep is that I am working at the store and paying for the customer's stuff at the same time.
Here is a dialogue from the Dad’s Department store:

A customer with no money enters my Daddy store after school and I offer them some apples and chips. “Can we have milk and cookies instead?” they ask with grins of alternate reality smeared across their faces. I politely respond with a gesture of kindness and let them know that cookies are not in season right now, but the chef can substitute broccoli for the chips.

After leaving the food court, I walked with my penniless customers toward the clothing department to help them pick out some play clothes so they could go outside and play. “Can we play inside instead?” This seems like a reasonable request, unless of course you speak Childese. (For those who are reading this blog who do not speak Childese, the word “play” translates “bounce off” and the word in “inside” literally translates “the walls.”) “Well, I could talk to the my manager about that, but unfortunately she is not available because some customers drove her to the edge of sanity earlier today, and she has not returned yet. I tell you what, why don‘t we swing by the toy department on our way outside and I will give you a ball, a kite, and a Frisbee for free." “Can we have an IPod insead?”

Sometimes I don’t like my job as department store dad. The hours are long, and the customers are always right…there…in my space…needing something. I guess sometimes I long for those elusive words. “Thanks dad, this is perfect!”

But until then, I will continue to work at my parenting skills as I raise my kids these next few years. I will try to use firmness, sprinkled with some sarcasm and hopefully always smelling a little of grace. You know, I wonder how many times I have said to my heavenly father, “can I have this instead?” How many days have I laid my head down in bed, wishing for a different option, a new thingy, or a better something else. I suppose my kids come by it naturally.

When I look at what I have versus what I deserve, I really ought to bow my head more often and say, “Thanks God, this is perfect.”

Advice: Go light on the sarcasm and heavy on the grace.

Encouraging Personal Hygiene

It has been a while since my last blog, and don’t think it is because I have had nothing to write about. Last night I was unable to finish devotions because my two beautiful children have re-entered the stinky phase. In the old days of baby and toddler-hood they were both so adorable, but the smell was unbearable some of the time. Every day it seemed they made a mess in their pants that stunk up the house, then stunk up the garbage can. But after that stage things started slowly smelling better as a parent. But now it is feet and general body odor. So last night before we read the Holy Book, I had to demand shower to rid the air of the unholy aromas wafting about. On my way to the shower, my son said, “Dad, you should write a blog, and call it impersonal hygiene.” So here we go…

A few days ago I went to shave and decided to investigate my children’s tooth brushing habits. From what I can tell from the evidence they left behind is that when I tell them to brush their teeth this is what is going on. They take their toothbrush and put a large dollop of paste on it. It has to be big enough so that when they stick it under the water to wet their toothbrush the surface area can catch the water sending the freshly squeezed part to the bottom of the sink. I kid you not, our bathroom sink has more whiteheads than I did in high school. (I shiver with horror thinking about those wonderful popping days). Then they take the wet, paste-less brush and begin the precise and rigorous task of gnawing. Their brushes look like they rinsed them using the garbage disposal. After a couple minutes of chewing, I am not sure, but I think they rinse their mouth with water and spit it directly onto the mirror.

I am happy my children will shower with only minimal amounts of cajoling and threatening, but I cannot figure out my son's aversion to using a towel to dry off. He has figured out a time saving devise that allows him more playing time before bed. His pajamas double as sleepwear and a towel.
While I encourage general hygiene, I have found out that a good set of nose plugs and some aerosal air-freshener are much easier. I figure if they stay stinky maybe it will help keep other boys and girls who are wearing cologne/perfume in junior high away.

Advice: Crack the windows!